My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
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If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
