My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
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never ask a starfish for directions
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
