My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
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Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.