My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
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Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.