My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
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my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Not today
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Beware of fowl play.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
scared to check what name she chose
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”