My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
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i’m so old i’m almost back in style
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
but that was my emotional support daylight
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Day 2 of my diet
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.