Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.

I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…

to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone

Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard

Her: Okay

Him: You don’t mind?

Her: Nope

Him: Great

Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce

Him: You’ve made your point

When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose

Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.

And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.

I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.

My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.

My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.

[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW

Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.

I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited

I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo

That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers

If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.

“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”

-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving

Venn

Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this

Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed

one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it

I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet

I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.

ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?

ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!

CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No

Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?

I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.

when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied

[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”