My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
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I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
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Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
pizza
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“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.