My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
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Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
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I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too