My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
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A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Just did a big green poo by a canal
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
love it when they get my name right
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.