Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.

Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.

What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?

Feyoncé…

Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.

A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.

Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon

Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.

I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive

I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL

Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.

Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.

If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.

A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.

my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter

(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.

Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything

But is it really??

Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.

People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.

if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.