Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.

The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH

[during sex]

her: do you want to try a new position?

me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles

her: what

me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors

her: stop

Oh no

“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”

– IT Department as marriage counselors

Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.

looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going

You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.

So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.

Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries

7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days

Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.

Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: Is he a doctor?

*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*

Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.

Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.

Dating:

“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”

Marriage:

“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”

Dead animal names:

A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon

[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven

Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?

Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.

Friends: C’mon, just have one….

Me: Ok, maybe just one.

[ three hours later at the club ]

Me:

Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.

Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS

I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies

me: I was busted by the cops

friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine