My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
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Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
The Others (2001)
“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”
“Anything in between?”
“Nope”
[Standing ovation]
“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.
Mhm.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.