My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
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“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.