Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is playing hard to get.

Rid of.

A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.

They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.

her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?

they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard

My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.

I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”

I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.

if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face

Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?

4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

Wanna see awkward?

Hand me a baby.

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

[aircraft carrier]

*paints a T on the helipad*

Captain: No it has to have an H

Me: Why?

*train sounds approaching*

Captain: Oh dear god

I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk

Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.

Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.

Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!

“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”

Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?

Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please

At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.

Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library

That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.

Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.

Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.

Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.

Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.

Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?

Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol

Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.

[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]

Me: oh I love these!

Them: *goes to light it for me*

Me: *already eating it*