Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.

me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked

me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you

miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!

No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.

Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.

‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…

[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT

I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.

Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.

And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is

This is so messed up and I love it 🤣

Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.

[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know

I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.

What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.

–my dog

This is my emotional support knife.

What to do when threatened by a bear:

1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.

They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣

“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”

CUTE CAT‼︎

*offers Batman cough drops*

I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees

I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”

SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.

ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally

Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner

It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.

Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!

Firefighter:

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.