Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.

My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.

My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *strips naked and does running man*

Wife – “….”

What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….

Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh Manatee

Scientists start rage screaming

just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.

Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂

Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit

Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.

Why not? We’re roofers.

Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.

*puts on headphones

*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”

*downs energy drink

*laces up Nikes

*runs out into 13° weather

*runs back inside

*Naps

This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time

Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.

[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*

Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.

ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that

Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat

If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.

Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?

Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??

Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do

Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”

accountant: do you have any dependents?

me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.

my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much

me: let me out then

[on a date]

him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone

me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*