My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
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Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Someone just threatened to call me later