Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.

GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”

Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?

ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.

[doctor’s office]

ME: I’m here for my test results

[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]

DR: I have some bad news…

Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.

Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.

Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.

Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!

“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.

ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”

Her)What that mouth do?

Me)Usually get me in trouble

Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it

MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?

Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.

I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.

Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?

Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.

Looking for a new spicy potato chip?

-Hot Pringles in your area

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.