Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

future wife: how many alarms did you set

me: don’t worry about it

wife: how many

me: twenty seven

wife: set three more

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.

If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?

Asking for a friend.

I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.

me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?

wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns

me: I quit my job as a waiter

wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?

me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda

I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.

Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up

Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.

Them: Why?

Me: My car is haunted.

Them: Haunted?

Me: So haunted.

‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’

A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious

“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”

Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.

What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?

Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.

FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.

Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.

I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.

I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.

If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.

My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?

Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.

Me: I think I’d rather drive.