My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
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In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Okay me first
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.