Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.

mcdonalds: may I take your order

cronus: I’ll have the kids meal

Hold on I just need to take of my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first

nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!

HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan

As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying

DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,

*wants space*

*eats Milky Way*

Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?

Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax

i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.

CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no

When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”

*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.

by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die

A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.

(first day at law school)

Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?

Prof: We don’t.

Me: This is BULLSHIT.

*flips table*

*table floats up to ceiling*

No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.

Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.

*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*

She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1

Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok

If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”

“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature

Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”

R.I.P.

Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder

[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying

whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.

🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶

Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….