Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37

Man I wish I would have thought of “knuckle sandwiches” when everyone was asking what I was bringing ro thanksgiving. It’s too late now 😔

4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?

I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.

Very problematic

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…

My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾‍♀️🙆🏾‍♀️

Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.

Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.

I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”

Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.

Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered

What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?

This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.

Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n

💁🏻‍♂️

I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

Strange things: the prequel

Stranger things

2 Stranger 2 Things

Strangest Threengs

Strangfour th4ngs

5tranger Thing5

Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift

I’m putting together a team

me: i made my first million by the age of 21

her: wow, a million dollars?!

me: no, mistakes

fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt

me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*

fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you

Ref: Call it in the air..

*flips coin*

Me: A QUARTER.

What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control