My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
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I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
cat vs inanimate object
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.