My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
You Might Also Like
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.