My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
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Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Krampus.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.