My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
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thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”
I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
💀 😭
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?
Me: Yes.
7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.