Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*

I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.

Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.

Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.

I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?

Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.

Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this

Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.

LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.

JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.

I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”

Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.

Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?

Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*

My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out

A family that plays together cheats.

Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?

Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.

When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.

[meeting my gf’s parents]

gf: just please be serious

me: ok

[later]

gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now

me: I DID MY WAITING

gf: oh no

me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT

gf: please

me: IN AZKABAN

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice

When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.

Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?

Me: Yes but

Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?

Me: What you have to understand is

Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”

Stooooppp!!! 😂😂

My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you

sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too

me: *gets something in my eye*

brain: put your finger in there too

A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!

Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.