My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
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therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that