My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
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Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
🤭😂
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.