My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
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If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?