My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
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Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
there has never been a better use of this meme
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.