My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
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If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
*pronounces UPS like yoops
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.