My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
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I have a place for everything. The floor.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
You’re never alone. Theres mold
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin