My daughter was invited to a birthday party. We showed up, & the people who hosted the party weren’t even there. They cancelled the party, but didn’t notify anyone, so we all went back home. Hours later I text the family, “what time should I pick up my daughter from the party?”
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
me after eating Cheetos
Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
I’m sorry…what?
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
