My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
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*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…