My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
You Might Also Like
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
consequences, the bane of my existence
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.