My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
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My first son he is wonderful
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
she has a point
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman
also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious