My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
