My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Has there ever been a more American story?
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
