My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
#SuperBowl
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
