Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit

My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.

9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.

“Bartender, there’s a hair on my ice cube!”

“You should have asked for shaved ice.”

*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.

It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.

I’m about to put on a white shirt.

I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.

Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?

Thor: It’s just not my day.

Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.

Thor:

[loses house key, starts a new life]

My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.

kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job

Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous

Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies

Poetry is my passion

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

When I retire I’m going to run from office.

There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.

in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me

Meme Monday.

Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.

S M O L

I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

More like Kate Missington.

I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?

Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen

To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.