My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
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Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
