My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
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Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
I get distracted pretty eas
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.