kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
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This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island