my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
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them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock
I am having an out of money experience.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry