Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.

My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?

My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.

It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.

I don’t even know where that is.

“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.

I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.

Crush: what are u doing

Me: laying in bed listening to music

Crush: nice what kind

Me: it’s memory foam

Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist

Me: Picasso

Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.

bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1

[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…

Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day

Me: lights xmas candle

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

First date

Him: tell me about yourself

Me in a singsong voice: ok but you’re not gonna like it

Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.

“you look easy to draw”

I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.

A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”

someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it

SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin

The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.

I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”

I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.

I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.

How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator

Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.