Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.

Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.

….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.

Me: Do you like my novel?

Publisher: it’s a tree

Me: I told you it was in the early stages

Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.

The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.

“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.

Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.

[olive garden]

HOST: when you’re here you’re family

DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes

[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball

Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.

Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.

Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.

I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.

broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting

Me: I have a headache.

WebMD: and it will be your last.

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic

4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]

guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you

4 dentists: [in agreement] no

The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.

The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.

It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”

customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it

I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.

*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”

🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀 oh sory about that we were just passing by

Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.

Sir, that’s a phone book.