My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
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Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.