My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
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Look Ma, no handle on things
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
If you’re going to see Nosferatu in hopes of there being a spongebob cameo dont even though waste your time. He’s not in it
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.