My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
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Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Mornin
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Did a trash talking tree write this?
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.