My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
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jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Finally
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”