My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
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Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!