My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
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I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?