My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
You Might Also Like
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”