My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
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Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
