My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
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I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Me: This job seems really dangerous!
Him: The last three didn’t think so God rest their souls
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
[shakes fist at other fist]
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*