Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?

Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.

I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”

I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.

WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT

Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon

My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.

Him: Do you swallow?

Me: Every time I chew.

I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.

Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles

My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.

Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.

Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is

*turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.

My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”

ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit

SON: it’s called homework

I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*

*two hours later*

Me: LIAR!

[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that

Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake

You make me want to be a better sentence completer.

Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.

Buying a well is money well spent.

“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office