Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.

A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.

[at the pub]

I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.

Her: Quit talking to me

LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’

What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven

Someone: how are you?

Me: thanks, you too.

“But you just went pee”

– A Family Vacation Memoir

ㅤ

[Thanksgiving 2020]

Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions

Him: that’s a carrot

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: blurry

I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”

I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.

If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.

Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually

On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.

[first date]

Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol

Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape

Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!

Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?

Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.

I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.

There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.

5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.

Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.

One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds

58.

When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.

Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.

Wife: I want a divorce

Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

Wife: then drink the tea I made for you