-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
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Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
I have obtained a hat
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
This classic never gets old . . .
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect鈥檚 fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Alicia Keys: 馃幎 I keep on fallin’ 馃幍
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
You鈥檝e gotta love the fact someone鈥檚 taken the time to do this
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber鈥檚 face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit