My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
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me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Check your privilege
