My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
You Might Also Like
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
is nasa ok
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!