My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
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explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
1 in 5 Americans have been or will be attacked by a falcon in their lifetime.
That’s not a statistic. That’s a promise.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
JESUS: hey check this oute [turns my water into wine]
ME: woa!! thanks jesus
JESUS: [grabs wine out of my hands] NO!! THIS IS MY BLOOD NOW
I’m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
Hansel & Gretle be like
lets get these breadcrumbs
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”