My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”


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explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no


1 in 5 Americans have been or will be attacked by a falcon in their lifetime.

That’s not a statistic. That’s a promise.


There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.

She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.


JESUS: hey check this oute [turns my water into wine]

ME: woa!! thanks jesus

JESUS: [grabs wine out of my hands] NO!! THIS IS MY BLOOD NOW


Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.


Sleep Pattern

H: 🌃🥱😌😪😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😪😌🥱🏙

M: 🌃🥱😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😴😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳🏙


true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”