My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
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there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?