My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
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Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
hackers play passwordle
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans