My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
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Hmm, not sure about this change
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.