My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
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The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
There is no “we” in pizza
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Dance like you’re not the father
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?