My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
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[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…