Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr

Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.

I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.

After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes I see that now

If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.

nobody

literally nobody

my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself

him: i will see you in court!!!

me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.

70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

Caveman1: look, I invent wheel

Caveman2: what we do now?

Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel

Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet

There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:

Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.

I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth

The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.

[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?

Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing

This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?

-Asking for a friend.

Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”

Me: “I said that?”

Save a reindeer.

Ride a Canadian.

Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.

The perfect murder.

[at the cheesecake factory]

me: I will have the cheesecake

waiter: okay

“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”

TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.

Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you