My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”
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chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.