My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”
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I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Bike for sale
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
it takes so much energy
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons