My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
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During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
This one’s “Alex”.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great