Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.

I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.

Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.

It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.

DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid

Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.

Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.

*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird

“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?

Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.

My kids lost a Barbie shoe.

I dug in the trash and found one.

It was from a set they didn’t know was missing

Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.

My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.

I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.

Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.

Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”

*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*

Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!

Ariel: But I like him.

Sebastian: What would your father say!?!

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]

Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.

A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding

Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.

Husband: But you just woke up.

Me: Exactly.

“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus

5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?

My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

Got fired from my job at the zoo because I kept trying to wax the turtles