Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit

Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social

Cat:

Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous

Cat:

*power goes out*

Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*

Cat: you were saying

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.

*me filing for unemployment*

Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours

Me: so you’re only open 4 hours

Unemployment Office: yes any other questions

Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office

Him: no one will steal your identity that way

Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.

Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.

*pulls up pants*

Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?

Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?

Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way

I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.

I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.

Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.

If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.

Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.

I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.

Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.

Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything

Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?

Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead

At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”

Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf

me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us

ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?

me: oh no

2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant

3rd ghost: pleasant

4th ghost: pleasant

5th ghost: pleasant

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.

No reason

Wife: I hate that thing

Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!

Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico

Me: It’s a collector’s item!

Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”

Me:

Wife:

Me: You want me to toss it?

Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties

Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell