My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
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I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
When I face a minor setback
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
This is the one
I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?