Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.

cushion on the right slightly discoloured

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

[dinner negotiations]

Wife: where do you want to go to eat?

Me: ugh

Wife:

Me: you pick

Wife: I’m craving kale

Me: I’ll pick

So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?

No, the cars are much faster.

Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.

While we’re on the subject….

*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*

ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic

all i want is to be as happy as this potato

My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.

Our middle child says we neglect him/her.

GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash

JERY: crypto?

GERGE: crypto

JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!

GERG: I did! but then it dipped again

JERY: it double dipped?

GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT

I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.

I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it

Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-

wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter

me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did

Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.

Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp

*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*

Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!

Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead

-a valentine from the Predator

Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.

Me trying to look natural in photos

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”

Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.

{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving

Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying

Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.

I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.