My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
You Might Also Like
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”
Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”
Darth Vader: >:(
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Always 🥴
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
My husband bought 3 bottles of fancy wine to take to my parent’s house tomorrow so anyway long story short we are bringing 1 bottle of fancy wine to my parent’s house tomorrow
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
🤭😂
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
