Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT

My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.

Children are a blessing.

I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.

As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.

i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish

I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.

The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.

Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears

Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot

Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby

the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake

“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume

9: Whatcha watching?

Me: Tiny Houses.

9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?

Me: Two people.

9: Are they married?

Me: Not for long.

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

[ first day of 5th grade ]

Teacher: Carly?

Carlie: Here

Teacher: No the other one

Karrlee: I’m Here

Teacher: Not you

Qar’leigh: Me?

Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*

This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

Dear student,

When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.

Yours,

A disturbed lecturer

I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.

Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO

parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys

kids: oh worddddd

My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.

Drank.

Drunk.

One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.

The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.

My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.

ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²

DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*

I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.

Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.

“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”

Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:

When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?

My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”