My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
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Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate