My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
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The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
More like Kate Missington.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
This did not end as expected.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so