My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
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what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
The single bravest thing you can do over 40, is go somewhere in the cold with a full bladder
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.