My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
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[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
The key to a successful marriage is never go to bed married
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Twitter is fun because you can tweet about hashbrowns and someone will say you are responsible for genocide.
make up your mind
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Everyone is so worried about preservatives in their foods. I want whatever is in hotdog buns to be in every cell in my body. That’s the real immortality.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria