My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
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Pronouncing “driest” like priest
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Take care of yourself, ladies
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.